I stood in the field alone, looking out to the western foothills. The sun was starting its descent from day to night, but it wasn’t quite sunset.
Not quite.
It was the magical time just before. The window through which everything is more vibrant in color, more alive, rimmed with gold. My favorite time of the day.
“This is when they should bury me,” I thought.
This is when they should lower my body into the ground, when the sun turns the world golden before its arc into night.
When the leaves on the trees flash a bright spring green. And the cottonwood floating in the air looks electric. When the long grass glows warm, its tips a blur of undulating white.
When everything is just a little too bright, just a little too beautiful, just a little too intense.
Just like me.
I was out in that field looking for God, not for salvation but for some sign that things would be okay after I died. For me and for the people who would miss me so, so much.
Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive. Cold and hollowed out like a corpse, you try to connect with the living, try to feel the warmth of their hope, but you can’t.
My only tether to this life was my love. For my mom, my brother, my friends. For the dreams of what my life was supposed to be. For my children who had yet to be born.
But the pain was becoming greater than my love, and so I was preparing to die. I didn’t know how exactly. That was for later, after I’d made peace with myself and with God in this field.
After I knew I’d done my very best to live. Because I wanted them to say at my funeral,
“She did her very best to live.”
I noticed sparrows darting back and forth across the field. As the sun began to set, they emerged.
Dozens and dozens of them flew about, only a few inches above the glowing grass, catching bugs in the last light of the day. A few of the braver ones flew close enough that I could hear their chirping and the swish of their wings.
They were exuberant and joyful. And I contemplated why they were not afraid. Their minds could not comprehend that the setting sun would rise again the next day, but they flew like it would.
They had faith that it would.
I wished to have that kind of faith.
I wished to be a sparrow.
Wow! This is beautiful. Thank you for writing it.
On Fri, Mar 24, 2017 at 7:57 AM, AKO Collective wrote:
> AKO Collective posted: ” I stood in the field alone, looking out to the > western foothills. The sun was starting its descent from day to night, but > it wasn’t quite sunset. Not quite. It was the magical time just before. The > window through which everything is more vibra” >
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You are so so welcome.
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Such imagery it’s like I’m there with you. Your truth is powerful and unfinished. ❤
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Thank you beautiful friend
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What an amazingly powerful piece. Using the Christian imagery of the sparrow delights, too.
Keep seeking the love that grounds you to us. We need souls such as yours.
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Thank you so much! And I’m not familiar with the sparrow imagery so will definitely look into it.
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Let me start you on your way: https://www.reference.com/world-view/biblical-symbolism-sparrow-29c2f807f3755e19
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You nailed it. People who have not experienced true depression do not know how lucky they are or what it’s like to look through that prism. Thanks for going to the heart of the matter in such a beautifully written way.
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Thank you for this kind and beautiful message.
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Such beautiful writing. Being a survivor of depression and now struggling with anxiety, I found my self connecting to your words. To me your words are as hopeful as the sparrows were for you. I am still a bit chocked up to be honest as its so beautifully written. Thanks for posting.
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I have struggled with both and know the conflicting pain they bring. May love, light and all that is good find it’s way to you. Whether that’s through family, church, or a prescription. I am a fan of all three. xoxo
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Aww thanks appreciate it 🙂
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Beautiful words. XO❤️
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Lovely
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I wish to be a Sparrow
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Beautiful. Honest. Raw. Thank you.
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Your words are breathtaking. I want to read more! ❤
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Well thanks! I’ll keep writing. 🙂
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Beautiful. Magical. Stunning. Breath taking.
As I reached the last phrase I realized I was holding my breath. This piece is beautiful. Not only, because I was able to connect with every word, phrase and meaning, but the fact that this piece is just brilliant and filled with honesty.
Love it.
Thank you.
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Oh thank you so very much. I am really honored. It took a long time to write, as it should, really. And I appreciate that all of this effort was worth it.
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Their minds could not comprehend that the setting sun would rise again the next day, but they flew like it would. ❤
I always saw depression as a black monster http://wp.me/p7UKfR-kR (the first paragraph)
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Oh yes, it is quite a monster. Faith is the sparrow and the sunset/sunrise. I will check out your piece. Thank you for sharing.
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Beautiful, painful writing. I was drawn to read, partly because of the title: I get sparrow imagery, too. For me, it’s associated with innocence. I will take a look at the biblical reference above. I also love the reader comment above — “your truth is powerful and unfinished.” I feel blessed to have been led to your beauty. I’m sorry for your pain and hope very much that it eases.
Are you comfortable with me reblogging your post?
A.
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Thank you for your lovely message. And yes, I am comfortable. This is something that is party of who I am, and I have the faith of a sparrow that it is meant to be. 🙂
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Beautiful!
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Absolutely breathtaking.
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Sigh 😔 Yes, so beautiful, and is the God’s honest portrait of what I’ve known depression to feel like. Thanks for sharing!
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This was such a good read! I recently went through a stage of depression and anxiety and the only thing that kept me going was also the things that I loved. Depression is such a powerful thing that can really consume you.
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You nicely quoted your emotions ..its lovely to read..I read it 2 times✌
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“A little too bright, just a little too beautiful, just a little too intense. Just like me.” You give us the feeling right there–the pendulum swing. Beautifully done.
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Thank you so. This is my favorite part of the piece and I am glad you liked it.
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This is very gr8
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This is very touching and emotional, especially the Christian symbolism for faith. Very accurate to my own feelings several years ago.
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Beautiful writing!! You took me to the field right there with you so deep and powerful
God bless ❤️
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lovely read from the heart
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Touching, heartbreaking and honest. Thanks for sharing from the depth of your soul – and with all that vivid imagery to boot. She did her best to live.. I really get that. Please keep writing & sharing!
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This post is so beautifully broken. You’re writing is lovely and you’ve spread hope to us readers through sharing feelings that are sometimes beyond the explanation of words.
“everything is just a little too bright, just a little too beautiful, just a little too intense.”
You are too everything for this world. We all are. We don’t belong here in this world, there’s another one that awaits us in the arms of God. But I do believe each and everyone of us have something to give in this world, even when we feel disconnected from it 🙂
I pray that you one day soon the love will again, outweigh the fear and hopelessness so really found in this world.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.
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Thank you for writing such a gorgeous response. I hope you are out doing beautiful writing in the world.
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Very beautiful picture you painted! It is a struggle living with depression as it is so misundstood. They just want to prescribe a pill and move on, but just like the sparrow with faith we can have that same joy. The closer we draw to God the more peace we have in life. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your story.
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Wow… extremely beautiful presentation of inner feelings.. Loved it ☺
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“Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive.”
I had an inexplicable urge to yell out loud after reading this. So truly and beautifully said.
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This is an absolutely fantastic piece of work. I am getting g my thoughts together about writing my own experience with depression and how my eating habits helped aid the terrible disease. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Ooooh, I quite convinced depression is related to gut health, so please keep me posted!
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Beautifully penned..! Thanks for sharing..
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Amazing writing!
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Reblogged this on Norman Vincent.
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Thanks!
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Brilliant piece of writing……. Loving it
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Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive .. The best line of this blog ..being a doctor i come across depression patients ..emotional pain they go through is more harmful than the physical one…beautifully described
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Thank you. I really value your perspective. It’s so very hard to explain the invisible but searing pain of mental illness. I’m glad your patients have a believer in you.
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A very honest approach to depression. Beautiful. Keep writing.
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This was very beautiful and touching
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This builds a breathtaking and peaceful view in the mind…I love it…. Thank you for sharing.
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‘Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive’
Wow so nicely put together what an interesting post!
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I too have stood in that field waiting in the light changes . So many times I have gone alone in my sadness and have been lifted up when the light falls for who can stand in that beauty and not believe in God , in some greater purpose for our lives. I have been saved by that light again and again. Your words are beautifully written. Thank you.
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Yes, yes, yes. My faith is found when hope is lost.
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One of my favourite posts under the tag of depression ever ❤️
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Oh, thank you. While it’s an interesting compliment, I will take it because I totally feel you!
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Blogger25site.wordpress.com
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Is this your site? Please let me know your intentions. thanks!
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yes it is my site, please go and beg in auxiliary spread yes
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Wow beautiful loved it… i felt drawn to it
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Wow ☺
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Absolutely fantastic. Well written. I loved that. I can so relate to your words as I have bipolar disorder and I have been in the dark deaths of suicidal depression many times and know exactly what you mean by contemplating suicide and being that close with your thoughts of death. I have been there. It is sometimes a scary place to be and sometimes a peaceful place to be as it is the only thoughts that can give you some peace that your pain will be relieved. It makes you feel like you have a choice but then you fight with the choice in your mind as a battle within your mind. I am so blessed that God has saved my life many times and living is the battle that keeps on winning. Praise God. He is so awesome. This is a great hypomanic bipolar day. Life is so good. Hugs. ❤
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Yay for hypomanic bipolar days! My love to you.
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Thank you very much… and my love right back to you. Hugs. ❤
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💝beautifully written : depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive 👌👌
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A deep spiritual reflection. I wish I could write as thoughful as you and I connected with the birds and abiding faith living with depression. Spread your wings and rejoice.
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You will. I didn’t start out this way. I have been doing this for awhile now, and just like learning to walk, it gets easier and more precise and more authentic. Write write write!
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I will, I will, I will☺
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Thank you for sharing your experiences… my favourite part is depression is … cold and hallowed out like a corpse. It is how I feel everyday, written so justly. “But the pain was becoming greater than my love, and so I was prepared to did. It is heartbreaking to see my thoughts echoed like this. Thank the universe you have the strength to write this. Best of luck! Cheers
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