I Wished to be a Sparrow (Reflections on depression & faith)

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I stood in the field alone, looking out to the western foothills. The sun was starting its descent from day to night, but it wasn’t quite sunset.

Not quite.

It was the magical time just before. The window through which everything is more vibrant in color, more alive, rimmed with gold. My favorite time of the day.

“This is when they should bury me,” I thought.

This is when they should lower my body into the ground, when the sun turns the world golden before its arc into night.

When the leaves on the trees flash a bright spring green. And the cottonwood floating in the air looks electric. When the long grass glows warm, its tips a blur of undulating white.

When everything is just a little too bright, just a little too beautiful, just a little too intense.

Just like me.

I was out in that field looking for God, not for salvation but for some sign that things would be okay after I died. For me and for the people who would miss me so, so much.

Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive. Cold and hollowed out like a corpse, you try to connect with the living, try to feel the warmth of their hope, but you can’t.

My only tether to this life was my love. For my mom, my brother, my friends. For the dreams of what my life was supposed to be. For my children who had yet to be born.

But the pain was becoming greater than my love, and so I was preparing to die. I didn’t know how exactly. That was for later, after I’d made peace with myself and with God in this field.

After I knew I’d done my very best to live. Because I wanted them to say at my funeral,

“She did her very best to live.”

I noticed sparrows darting back and forth across the field. As the sun began to set, they emerged.

Dozens and dozens of them flew about, only a few inches above the glowing grass, catching bugs in the last light of the day. A few of the braver ones flew close enough that I could hear their chirping and the swish of their wings.

They were exuberant and joyful. And I contemplated why they were not afraid. Their minds could not comprehend that the setting sun would rise again the next day, but they flew like it would.

They had faith that it would.

I wished to have that kind of faith.

I wished to be a sparrow.

 

236 thoughts on “I Wished to be a Sparrow (Reflections on depression & faith)”

  1. hashtagtessed says:
    Reply

    Wow! This is beautiful. Thank you for writing it.

    On Fri, Mar 24, 2017 at 7:57 AM, AKO Collective wrote:

    > AKO Collective posted: ” I stood in the field alone, looking out to the > western foothills. The sun was starting its descent from day to night, but > it wasn’t quite sunset. Not quite. It was the magical time just before. The > window through which everything is more vibra” >

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I Write In The Night says:
    Reply

    Such beautiful writing. Being a survivor of depression and now struggling with anxiety, I found my self connecting to your words. To me your words are as hopeful as the sparrows were for you. I am still a bit chocked up to be honest as its so beautifully written. Thanks for posting.

    Liked by 4 people

  11. IAmMe says:
    Reply

    Beautiful. Magical. Stunning. Breath taking.

    As I reached the last phrase I realized I was holding my breath. This piece is beautiful. Not only, because I was able to connect with every word, phrase and meaning, but the fact that this piece is just brilliant and filled with honesty.

    Love it.

    Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Rebel Recovery says:
    Reply

    Beautiful, painful writing. I was drawn to read, partly because of the title: I get sparrow imagery, too. For me, it’s associated with innocence. I will take a look at the biblical reference above. I also love the reader comment above — “your truth is powerful and unfinished.” I feel blessed to have been led to your beauty. I’m sorry for your pain and hope very much that it eases.

    Are you comfortable with me reblogging your post?
    A.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Inspiring to Aspire says:
    Reply

    This was such a good read! I recently went through a stage of depression and anxiety and the only thing that kept me going was also the things that I loved. Depression is such a powerful thing that can really consume you.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Celestial says:
    Reply

    This post is so beautifully broken. You’re writing is lovely and you’ve spread hope to us readers through sharing feelings that are sometimes beyond the explanation of words.

    “everything is just a little too bright, just a little too beautiful, just a little too intense.”

    You are too everything for this world. We all are. We don’t belong here in this world, there’s another one that awaits us in the arms of God. But I do believe each and everyone of us have something to give in this world, even when we feel disconnected from it 🙂

    I pray that you one day soon the love will again, outweigh the fear and hopelessness so really found in this world.

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.

    Like

  26. Mirror Addict Makeup says:
    Reply

    Very beautiful picture you painted! It is a struggle living with depression as it is so misundstood. They just want to prescribe a pill and move on, but just like the sparrow with faith we can have that same joy. The closer we draw to God the more peace we have in life. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your story.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. Pingback: Thoughts On Depression – The Sensible Madcap
  30. beplexus says:
    Reply

    This is an absolutely fantastic piece of work. I am getting g my thoughts together about writing my own experience with depression and how my eating habits helped aid the terrible disease. Thank you so much for sharing!

    Like

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  35. Pingback: I Wished to be a Sparrow (Reflections on depression & faith) | Cleaning Service in the Stockholm
  37. Dr Ramandeep kaur says:
    Reply

    Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive .. The best line of this blog ..being a doctor i come across depression patients ..emotional pain they go through is more harmful than the physical one…beautifully described

    Like

  42. Cindy says:
    Reply

    I too have stood in that field waiting in the light changes . So many times I have gone alone in my sadness and have been lifted up when the light falls for who can stand in that beauty and not believe in God , in some greater purpose for our lives. I have been saved by that light again and again. Your words are beautifully written. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  47. myloudbipolarwhispers says:
    Reply

    Absolutely fantastic. Well written. I loved that. I can so relate to your words as I have bipolar disorder and I have been in the dark deaths of suicidal depression many times and know exactly what you mean by contemplating suicide and being that close with your thoughts of death. I have been there. It is sometimes a scary place to be and sometimes a peaceful place to be as it is the only thoughts that can give you some peace that your pain will be relieved. It makes you feel like you have a choice but then you fight with the choice in your mind as a battle within your mind. I am so blessed that God has saved my life many times and living is the battle that keeps on winning. Praise God. He is so awesome. This is a great hypomanic bipolar day. Life is so good. Hugs. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  49. Pilgrim says:
    Reply

    A deep spiritual reflection. I wish I could write as thoughful as you and I connected with the birds and abiding faith living with depression. Spread your wings and rejoice.

    Liked by 1 person

  50. vroshsingh says:
    Reply

    Thank you for sharing your experiences… my favourite part is depression is … cold and hallowed out like a corpse. It is how I feel everyday, written so justly. “But the pain was becoming greater than my love, and so I was prepared to did. It is heartbreaking to see my thoughts echoed like this. Thank the universe you have the strength to write this. Best of luck! Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

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